The Almost Relationship...
I keep getting asked out on dates and I keep declining the invites politely. Then comes the inevitable question - 'why?', 'I thought you were single, are you not?'
I never could give them a straight answer and this stayed constant for a good 2 years. What could I have told them anyway? 'Hey, I m single but not really!'
An 'almost relationship' is the kind where you are attracted to certain qualities about a certain someone, you spend most of your time with him (either talking or texting) and you most certainly want to spend the rest of your life with him. BUT he is not willing to label the relationship. Not that you want him going against his will, but some acknowledgement now and again never hurt.
Someone recently used an 'almost' right label while asking me about this certain guy - 'so..hows your pseudo boyfriend?' I 'almost' laughed out aloud at the absurdity of it but later when it actually sunk in, I realised that that actually was it - he was a pseudo boyfriend and I was in a pseudo relationship.
I have spent a significant amount of time hanging out and sleeping with the same person, yet was never able to be or feel exclusive. My whole aim at that point in time was to not say or do anything that would make him think of me as demanding and eventually scare him off. (to think of it, I had stored his contact on phone as 'scaredy cat' - since I could not even save his name as his name. The given names kept changing every month or so too). WOW! I feel foolish writing about it now.
So, rather than telling him what I felt or desired out of the 'companionship', I kept all the feelings and desires bottled up and kept looking for signs that we were actually heading SOMEwhere. Well, I thought I saw signs now and again but the happiness was always shortlived. It was like he sensed that I was deriving satisfaction out of our 'togetherness' and would end up asking for more, so he would then push me away - he would conjure up reasons to argue over something or the other, make up rules and shove them in my face. Whenever he did that, I would give him his space (sometimes the space was longer than a month - last one was 3 months). I thought if I held out long enough, give him space to recover and feel better, keep my feelings and thoughts in check, be patient enough and put up with his weirdness and remain the 'cool and calm one', he would eventually come around and look at me in a different light. He would see that I was the one who knows him and sticks around through thick and thin. I had him on a pedestal and would not think of him otherwise. I would accept scraps of emotions from him and would shoo off people who would want or wish to give me more and enough. It was a never ending cycle of happiness, disappointment, hurt and pain.
For all you girls out there, if you are going through this, remember to let go of what causes you pain because you are special - and you have a right to be happy. If the guy you care for does not give a damn about your precious feelings, leave him be. Have faith that there will be someone who will unbreak your heart and make it whole again. The one who truly loves you will never leave you shattered or hurt.
Most importantly, love yourself and learn to trust the right people. Having said that, do remember not to generalize men - not every guy you meet would hurt you. I wish you true love <3
I keep getting asked out on dates and I keep declining the invites politely. Then comes the inevitable question - 'why?', 'I thought you were single, are you not?'
I never could give them a straight answer and this stayed constant for a good 2 years. What could I have told them anyway? 'Hey, I m single but not really!'
An 'almost relationship' is the kind where you are attracted to certain qualities about a certain someone, you spend most of your time with him (either talking or texting) and you most certainly want to spend the rest of your life with him. BUT he is not willing to label the relationship. Not that you want him going against his will, but some acknowledgement now and again never hurt.
Someone recently used an 'almost' right label while asking me about this certain guy - 'so..hows your pseudo boyfriend?' I 'almost' laughed out aloud at the absurdity of it but later when it actually sunk in, I realised that that actually was it - he was a pseudo boyfriend and I was in a pseudo relationship.
I have spent a significant amount of time hanging out and sleeping with the same person, yet was never able to be or feel exclusive. My whole aim at that point in time was to not say or do anything that would make him think of me as demanding and eventually scare him off. (to think of it, I had stored his contact on phone as 'scaredy cat' - since I could not even save his name as his name. The given names kept changing every month or so too). WOW! I feel foolish writing about it now.
So, rather than telling him what I felt or desired out of the 'companionship', I kept all the feelings and desires bottled up and kept looking for signs that we were actually heading SOMEwhere. Well, I thought I saw signs now and again but the happiness was always shortlived. It was like he sensed that I was deriving satisfaction out of our 'togetherness' and would end up asking for more, so he would then push me away - he would conjure up reasons to argue over something or the other, make up rules and shove them in my face. Whenever he did that, I would give him his space (sometimes the space was longer than a month - last one was 3 months). I thought if I held out long enough, give him space to recover and feel better, keep my feelings and thoughts in check, be patient enough and put up with his weirdness and remain the 'cool and calm one', he would eventually come around and look at me in a different light. He would see that I was the one who knows him and sticks around through thick and thin. I had him on a pedestal and would not think of him otherwise. I would accept scraps of emotions from him and would shoo off people who would want or wish to give me more and enough. It was a never ending cycle of happiness, disappointment, hurt and pain.
For all you girls out there, if you are going through this, remember to let go of what causes you pain because you are special - and you have a right to be happy. If the guy you care for does not give a damn about your precious feelings, leave him be. Have faith that there will be someone who will unbreak your heart and make it whole again. The one who truly loves you will never leave you shattered or hurt.
Most importantly, love yourself and learn to trust the right people. Having said that, do remember not to generalize men - not every guy you meet would hurt you. I wish you true love <3
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